Noah

Watching Noah, it occurs to me that it must have been made by atheists. After all, they are treating the Word of God as little more than a first draft. On the other hand, though, co-writer/director Darren Aronofsky isn’t fucking around with the old "thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain," making sure to substitute the G word with the epithet "the Creator." Thus, Noah (Russell Crowe) tells his wife Naamah (Jennifer Connelly) that “[the Creator] is going to destroy the world” (after which he will presumably be known as “the Destroyer”) by way of a flood, which may have given rise to the expression 'when it rains it pours;' I mean, the characters are already living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland; destroying it would certainly qualify as overkill. Noah turns to his grandfather Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) for advice — by the way, according to the Bible, Noah invented wine, but what the Good Book doesn’t say is that Methuselah invented tea; the latter is a miracle in itself, since water and leaves, the two essential ingredients to prepare this beverage (not to mention the fuel needed to start a fire and the kindle to keep it burning), are entirely conspicuous by their absence. Luckily, Methuselah has a magical seed that can grow an entire forest overnight, but which he had apparently been saving to give to Noah. Noah uses the wood from the trees in this forest to build the Ark, which follows the Field of Dreams Principle; i.e., 'If you build it, they will come' — 'they' being two of each animal, all of which without exception clearly belong to the computatrum generatae genus, but then the visual effects are one of the few pleasures to be had here; in particular the “Watchers” (fallen angels turned into semi-anthropomorphic rock formations voiced by Frank Langella and Nick Nolte, among others), as well as the montage that accompanies Noah's narration of Genesis. Additionally, the Ark itself and the accompanying flood are not unimpressive, and I like how Aronofsky has Noah's sons succumb to Rapid Aging Syndrome to indicate the passage of the many years it would take to complete such a gargantuan project. The problem with this is that they grow up to be Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Douglas Booth, etc., all of them with impossibly perfect hair, skin, and teeth (unless, of course, Methuselah also invented shampoo and toothpaste, in addition to tea). All things considered, however, the real highlight of the film is Ray Winstone's performance as Tubalcaín. Winstone is nominally the villain, but his character is really the most sensible of all (and Winstone’s delivery lends eve more weight to his convictions), correctly pointing out that both the Creator and the proto-David Koresh that Crowe plays Noah as — although his madness is justifiable; "if the noise of all those animals didn't drive Noah insane (not to mention the insect bites), the smell should have killed him" (The Skeptic’s Dictionary) — have become drunk with power.

**_The “least-biblical biblical film ever made”_** Helmed by Darren Aronofsky, "Noah" (2014) is his imaginative reimagining of the story from Judeo-Christian Scripture. Being an artistic filmmaker, the production values are top notch, including the quality cast and stellar Icelandic locations, not to mention there’s a moving spirit of reverence to the proceedings. The storytelling is compelling enough, although I started getting a little bored in the second half when the protagonists are stuck in the ark. The title blurb above is from Aronofsky himself, who described himself as not religious, but he once practiced Judaism and was interested in the Noah story, especially the environmentalist angle, yet other parts as well. The movie creatively adds lumbering rock creatures obviously inspired by the fallen “sons of God” and the giant Nephilim they fathered from Genesis 6. I found them interesting, but they are not part of the scriptural story. The worst deviation is the depiction of the title character (Russell Crowe), who is described in the Bible as a righteous, blameless man who walked with God. We know Noah wasn’t perfect and that he sinned myriad times during his life, but the second half of the film erroneously portrays him as an extreme misanthrope bent on wiping out humanity. Meanwhile the villain of the piece, Tubal-Cain (Ray Winstone), soundly believes that humans were made in God’s image and had dominion over the animals. He also believed in the right to hunt animals for sustenance even though such food was divinely prohibited before the global flood, which is the setting of the story; so, as depicted in the movie, Tubal-Cain was in sin on this count. (The fruits of the earth, by the way, were more nutritious and better adapted for the sustenance of the human body prior to the flood; later, they were less capable of supporting the growing feebleness of the body). Needless to say, “Noah” can only be appreciated as an artistic movie inspired by the biblical story. The rock creatures are fantastical and plentiful bits are totally unbiblical. Nevertheless, a lot of key scriptural truths are featured, like the existence of God, the intelligent design of physical creation, the intrinsic corruption of humanity, divine judgment, the global flood, the ark-vessel that saves some people & animals, and love overcoming righteous wrath for a second chance. The film runs 2 hours, 18 minutes, and was shot in southern Iceland, including Dyrhólaey, Fossvogur, Reynisfjara, as well as a set of Noah’s Ark at the Planting Fields Arboretum State Historic Park on Long Island. “Noah” was a success at the box office, earning $359.2 million worldwide on a cost of $125 million. GRADE: B-/C+

I feel obligated to watch and review movies like this. I am just happy as a clam that they make movies based on real life or mythological things simply because it gets people interested in it. I mean, I'm a historian...one that has spent his life walking that fine line between history, geology, and a Catholic faith... They never agree. Don't worry, I don't care about how historically accurate movies are and being a historian I play lip service to the presumed accuracy of my religion. ...And as someone with a deep understanding of geology, when it comes to even 5,000 years ago I play lip service to my own profession. I think it's hysterical that people are hating on this film for religious reasons. "Noah" is largely Biblically inaccurate, which is even funnier than usual given that every Priest I've ever had recognizes Noah as Gilgamesh. So to hate it on a religious stance is idiotic to begin with...and to hate a totally religiously inaccurate film simply because it's based on a tale from the Abrahamic Holy books is as idiotic because, well, it's not even accurate to those. So we'll erase all the Religious and history crap now and just look at the movie. If you didn't see this in the theater and if you don't have a, well, an Ark sized TV...it might not be worth it. The main selling point is really watching the Great Flood, the Deluge is sort of why people like me want to see it...and we want to see it BIG. HUGE. ENORMOUS. So...a small screen and you might as well be watching abrupt History Channel "The Bible" miniseries...and just leave it at that. In fact, you may be better off passing if you don't watch it big...because without the enormity of the flood on the enormous screen you are left with Russell Crowe and that just hurts. Yup...Russell Crowe. What you have here, minus the flood (which is the star of the show) is Crowe, a man that is so convinced that he is God's gift to acting that he totally forgot how to do it. I don't care how you feel about religion (as long as you tolerate all of them) and I don't care how you feel about accuracy in film...no matter your feelings you have to endure Crowe. If you can do that more power to you. But then you have Jennifer Connelly and yeah, you may think she's still eye candy--and you would be right--but that doesn't change the fact that she still can't emote. Thankfully you have Watson, who manages to out act both of them...and Hopkins if he really had a role in all of this worth his skills. So if you have the means to watch it big...the flood is worth the price of admission...if you don't beware of the Crowe.