Madame Web

## **Madame Web (2024) Review: A Catastrophic Failure on Every Conceivable Level - 1/10** To call *Madame Web* a movie feels like an act of generosity. It is less a narrative film and more a corporate-approved collection of scenes haphazardly stitched together, devoid of soul, coherence, or basic competence. Walking in with zero expectations is no shield; its profound awfulness is so comprehensive it becomes an almost impressive feat of filmmaking malpractice. ### A Symphony of Failure This isn't a film with one or two flaws; it is a masterclass in how to fail at every single element of the cinematic process: * **Casting & Acting:** The casting is baffling, pairing talented actors with a script that gives them nothing but wooden dialogue and motivations that change between scenes. The performances range from visibly bored to wildly over-the-top, with no one seeming to be in the same movie... or even the same dimension. * **Dialogue:** The script is a relentless assault of exposition, clunky one-liners, and lines so unnatural they feel generated by an AI trained on discarded soap opera transcripts. Characters don't converse; they announce plot points and then stop talking. * **Plot & Logic:** The premise is paper-thin, but the plot holes are a canyon. Character motivations are nonsensical, the rules of the titular powers are vague, contradictory, and conveniently forgotten, and the entire story feels like a first draft that was accidentally greenlit. The central conflict is so poorly defined it evaporates upon the slightest scrutiny. * **Direction & Pacing:** The direction is utterly lifeless. Action scenes are poorly choreographed and edited with all the tension of a grocery run. The "climax" is so anticlimactic and the ending so mind-blowingly ridiculous that it doesn't feel like a conclusion, but rather the film simply giving up out of exhaustion. ### The Embarrassment of a "Power" The film's cardinal sin might be its handling of its protagonist's abilities. Madame Web's clairvoyance, a potentially fascinating power, is presented in the most visually and narratively embarrassing way possible. The "visions" are repetitive, lack any sense of urgency, and ultimately render the character a passive observer in her own story. It is a superhero power that manages to be both overpowered and utterly useless, a perfect metaphor for the film itself. ### The Verdict **1/10 - An Unmitigated Disaster** *Madame Web* is not just a bad comic book movie; it is one of the worst films of the modern era. It is a hollow, cynical, and artistically bankrupt product that insults the intelligence of its audience at every turn. The one point it earns is for its sheer, audacious consistency in being terrible across the board. **What was going through their minds?** It is a question with no satisfactory answer. Perhaps it was contractual obligation, a tax write-off, or a desperate attempt to cling to a shred of a fading cinematic universe. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: a piece of irredeemable trash that serves as a stark warning of what happens when filmmaking is stripped of every last shred of passion, skill, and purpose. Do not waste your time. Do not hate-watch it. Simply let it fade into the oblivion it so richly deserves.

We start off with an heavily pregnant woman deep in the Peruvian jungle looking for a very rare spider with her pal "Ezekiel" (Tahar Rahim). Guess what? Yep - she finds it, and almost immediately too! Anyway, it turns out that her pal isn't so friendly after all and pretty sharpish she is shot and face up in a pool of healing waters where her baby is being delivered by a jungle people with spidey-skills. Advance twenty-odd years and we meet paramedic "Cassie" (Dakota Johnson) who drives around with her partner "Ben" (Adam Scott), indifferently saving folks from disaster. It's one such disaster, though, that sees her tumbled deep into the river and having to be rescued by her buddy. This trauma appears to trigger something weird. She is getting flash-fronts. She can see the tiniest snippets of the future - and that doesn't usually bode well for anyone, including her! A trip on a train to a funeral proves decisive as three of the other passengers also feature in her dreams - all being the targets of a mysterious lycra-clad tunnel-climber bent on slaughter. Can she rescue them and find out just what's going on? Well possibly, but the story is just thin and the characters so undercooked that I didn't really care. The whole arachnid story line is under-developed to the point that I couldn't see what her skills really had to do with a spider at all. Tahar Rahim seemed uncertain if he was supposed to be "Deadpool" and/or Antonio Banderas and hats have to come off to Celeste O'Connor for playing the entirely obnoxious and attitudinal "Mattie" with quite such aplomb. The denouement is straight out of "Highlander" (1986) and I'm afraid that rather summed this up. Not an original bone in it's small and squidgy body, over-scripted and made for the sake of it. Sure, it's all about team bonding, trust and finding yourself (quite literally), but the readiness with which all concerned buy into this increasingly repetitive and whacky scenario is just daft. Like the whole multi-verse concept, the studios have decided to take super-hero films and flog them to death without worrying about concept, character or a decent story, and though Johnson does try to lift this where she can, it's ends up being something akin to one of those "Superman" television episodes we used to watch with Dean Cain - only with monotonous time-shifting!

Watching this film, I couldn't shake the feeling that the script was written by AI. The story, themes, and dialogue all feel utterly soulless. The lifeless acting only compounds the problem, making the entire experience miserable. The story lacks any genuine emotion or creativity. It's as if the writers followed a formula without injecting any passion or originality into the script. The central conflict, which should be gripping and engaging, instead feels generic and uninspired. The dialogue is another significant issue. It’s stilted and unnatural, failing to convey any real depth or nuance. Characters speak in clichés and empty platitudes, making it hard to believe in their struggles or motivations. The acting is equally disappointing. The cast delivers their lines with the enthusiasm of kids forced to do chores, contributing to the film's lifeless feel. This lack of energy and commitment can be attributed to both the actors and the director. Comparing this film to Roger Corman's infamous Fantastic Four movie might seem harsh, but it's a fitting analogy. Both films suffer from poor execution and a lack of soul. However, this film arguably fares worse due to its complete absence of engaging elements. To salvage such a project, the filmmakers would need to infuse genuine emotion into the script and inspire more compelling performances from the cast. This film is a prime example of how not to craft a sci-fi narrative. Its soulless script, lifeless acting, and overall lack of direction make it a difficult watch. Audiences deserve more than a formulaic, uninspired story; they deserve a film that engages and excites on every level.